


how do you love when you're frightened?

by gaystcr



Category: Thupparivaalan | Dashing Detective (2017)
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, M/M, mlm author, tamil gays :')
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-16
Updated: 2020-03-16
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:02:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23172880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gaystcr/pseuds/gaystcr
Summary: But seeing Malliga at his knee, talking to him gently, telling him he’s a good man, mirroring everything Mano has been doing for more than a decade, stirs something in his stomach and the heat comes back up.When Mano sees Malliga wrapping a bandage around Kani's wrist, he tries to distance himself and tell Kani he should marry a girl instead of being of him. Kani refuses.
Relationships: Kaniyan Poongundran/Manohar
Comments: 3
Kudos: 5





	how do you love when you're frightened?

**Author's Note:**

> hey, y'all. i doubt anybody is going to read this fic apart from my friends, but recently i've been watching thupparivaalan over and over again. i'm going through a hard time in my life, so writing about this shitty movie provides me with some kind of relief. i hope y'all enjoy!
> 
> (title is from _how to sleep_ by EDEN, a song i associate with kani and mano. you can find the tamil translations at the end.)

Mano curls in on himself as he watches Malliga sit on the floor, wrapping a bandage around Kani’s wrist with care. Something jolts in his chest as Kani turns his eyes to her, and his hands ache to be the ones taking care of him. He knows, deep down, that in the end, he’s the one who shucks the blankets up over himself while reading a book in their bed, and he’s the one who kisses Kani’s forehead every morning and hands him a glass of green tea—which he knows Kani doesn’t like but he’ll never stop being amused at the way he spits it out—and he’s the one that Kani looks at with stars in his eyes. But seeing Malliga at his knee, talking to him gently, telling him he’s a good man, mirroring everything Mano has been doing for more than a decade stirs something in his stomach, and the heat comes back up. 

“I’m gonna go,” he mumbles, jerking a finger at the door. He pushes himself off the bed, shuffling past Kani. A hand wraps around his wrist and pulls him back, stumbling over the carpet. Kani looks up at him, gripping firmly at his wrist. 

“Stay with me,” he says, as Malliga stops fiddling with the bandage. “Can’t you see I’m alone here?”

“Malliga’s with you,” says Mano, coming out sharper than he intends. Kani recoils, and Mano almost reaches out to cup his cheek, to be soft with him—but he doesn’t. He tries to shake his arm out of Kani’s grasp, but he tightens his hold, forcing Mano to look at him. Kani keeps his eyes on Mano’s, the same eyes that he always wants on him, the same eyes that look at him like he hung all the moon and stars in the sky, and as much as Mano’s red hot mad at Kani, as much as Mano wants him to be with someone who can make him openly happy—he can’t look away. 

Kani keeps his eyes on him. “Malliga,” he says, “get out.”

Mano watches as Malliga opens her mouth to object, but catches his eye, and drops the bandage on his wrist. She gets up, anklets tinkling, and leaves the room, her dupatta floating behind her. Mano watches her go, turning back to Kani only when the tight grip he has around his wrist slackens. When he turns, Kani has his face in his hands. 

“Why’d you tell her to leave?” asks Mano, the words finding no purchase, echoing against the walls of the room. It comes out a whisper. 

Kani scoffs, looking up at him. His eyes are rimmed red, like they have been for the past week. It’s all that Mano can do to get him to sleep. “Why’d you say she was here with me?” 

Mano bristles, crossing his arms. “You’re in no position to get mad at me,” he says, moving over to kneel down next to his wrist. He picks up where Malliga left off, wrapping the bandage more securely around his wrist, tighter. Unlike her, Mano’s been running after Kani for more than a decade, patching him up after fights, going through more plasters and band-aids and antiseptic bottles than he can count. At one point, he started making a list of how much they spent on pharmaceutical products, but he ended up losing the list and the will to continue. 

Kani tries to shake him off, but Mano rolls his eyes, holding on. “I’m not mad,” he says, pouting. “Just, _dei,_ why the hell do you think I’d rather have her by my side than you?”

Mano lets his fingers drag across the bandage softly. “It’s not that,” he says, the heat simmering down to a low. “I just—alright, so it’s stupid. But... don’t you sometimes think you’d be better off with a girl? And—Kani, hear me out—I’ve never thought that myself, but you could be—you could be happy with someone better who can be open about you.”

Suddenly, Kani flips his arm with the bandage over, resting the palm of his hand against Mano’s, pulling him closer. When Mano looks up, there’s a sort of urgency in his eyes. “Mano,” he says, quietly. “There’s nobody better for me than you.”

“Don’t fuck around like that, man,” replies Mano, but grips his hand back. “I swear—look at her. She likes you. You could get married, you could have kids. What’s in it for you with me?”

Kani rolls his eyes. “Who else knows that I despise green tea but makes it for me anyway?” he says, a small smile pulling at the corner of his mouth. “Who else follows me around even though I’m not the easiest person to love?”

“Kani—“

“Listen, Mano,” he says. His eyes soften. Mano’s thrown back fifteen years into the past—catching Kani’s eye from across their criminology classroom back in college and Kani turning away immediately, ducking his head. “ _Loosa nee?_ I know I’m not—okay, so I know I don’t show it enough. And I know I’m way too fucking focused on my cases most of the time, _ahnaa_... _dei,_ Mano—you’re the most important... you’re the most important person in my life. I don’t want anyone else.”

Mano blinks at him as his grip goes slack. His hand drifts, of its own volition, to Kani’s thigh and he says softly, “Kani. You fucking bastard.”

Kani laughs, a sound struck right out of his chest and into Mano’s. He looks back at him with a terrible fragility that Mano knows all too well, from the nights that Kani wakes up shaking and drenched in sweat and Mano jerks awake next to him, coaxing him back into gentle sleep and brushing the hair off his forehead. As Kani smiles at him, Mano realised that he’s the only one to ever see him like this, and everything else—sun-flushed and gorgeous. 

“ _Enna da,_ really outdid you there, right?” says Kani. Mano breathes out a laugh, shaking his head. 

“I’d say it’s about time, kanna,” he replies. Kani rolls his eyes, letting his palm ghost over Mano’s hand on his thigh for a second. 

“Shut up, Mano,” he says, without any bite in his words. 

Mano grins, inching closer to his face, his hand gripping tighter onto his thigh. His heart lightens in his chest, over flooding with simple light. “Will you give me a make up kiss?” he asks, trying to get on level with Kani. 

Kani turns his cheek, laughing. “Mano, _dei! Vekk_ _a_ _m maan_ _a_ _m soodu sorana_ _i_ _illaiya?_ Dude, come on!” He retreats further away from Mano as he follows him, pecking the air with his mouth. As Mano sees Kani laughing like the world is alright again, a brightness spreads itself in his body, settling in the pit of his stomach. It’s like falling for him all over again. 

**Author's Note:**

>  _dei_ is just a way to catch someone's attention, used informally.
> 
>  _loosa nee?_ means "are you stupid/an idiot?"
> 
>  _ahnaa_ means but.
> 
>  _enna da_ means "what is it, (dude)?"
> 
>  _kanna_ is a tamil term of endearment and is related to krishna, a hindu god.
> 
>  _vekkam maanam soodu soranai illaiya?_ is a thing my mother says to me, lmao. literally translated, it means "don't you have shame, self respect, anger, or feeling?" but it's a thing tamil people say when someone does something either embarrasing or 'inappropriate.'
> 
> big ups if you've read this far! kani and mano are my coping mechanism right now, so watch this space if you're somehow another person who's watched this terrible movie and thinks they're gay. leave a comment or kudos if you are, maybe?


End file.
